How & Why You Need to Teach Self-Advocacy Skills
Self-advocacy, according to the Oxfod Dictionary, is the action of representing oneself or one's views or interests. That means understanding your needs and views, and speaking up for them.
As adults, we need to advocate for ourselves all of the time. It is essential.
It is really important to start teaching self-advocacy skills to your child from an early age. You want to know that when your child is out in the world without you, whether that be in a classroom, a birthday party, or lost at the playground, that they understand and feel confident to ask for what they need.
As a former kindergarten teacher, I remember how many students would arrive in September unsure how to ask for help. With 20 kids in a class, occasionally one doesn’t get a glue stick or breaks their pencil. They might be afraid to use the bathroom, or ask to get a drink of water. Sometimes, these kids just hang out in their seats waiting for the teacher to realize! We can, and should, teach them to speak up.
Self-advocacy also fosters important skills such as self-confidence, problem solving, independence, and self-identity.
Often times, you will see goals relating to self-advocacy on IEPs (Individualized Education Plans). Even if this important is on that legal document, what are you doing to make sure that goal is met? How do you teach a child to self-advocate?
In order to self-advocate, your child needs these 3 skills:
Know yourself
Know your needs
Know how to get your needs met
How can you make sure your child is building up these skills so they can self-advocate? Start with some of these tips!
Make space for self-advocacy at home
Encourage questions at home. We don’t want total and blind compliance for children, even if that sometimes feels inconvenient for us as parents. Allow your children to trust their own body. Can they recognize when they are hungry? Full? Tired? In need of a break? Need to use the bathroom?
Are your children given the agency to practice making these decisions on their own without bribes and commands? Again, hard to do but important.
Does your child feel safe to speak their mind? Make space for their opinions and thoughts - truly listen to them. Make sure they know that their feelings are valid. If they are sad, they are sad. Don’t tell them they can’t cry or be sad. That invalidates their feelings and makes them feel like they can’t trust their own emotions.
Finally, avoid saying “no” all the time - this will suggest that they should stop asking. That passionate persistence can be challenging in the moment, but beneficial long-term.
Build self-awareness
One way to do this is by praise progress, and not the product.
Additionally, listen and trust what your child is sharing with you.
If your child says, “I played terribly today!” Don’t jump right to saying “No you didn’t, you played great!” This shuts down their own perception of how they did and their feelings about it. Instead, invite a conversation about why they feel that way and what could make next time better.
Make space for their own feelings. Ask them how their body feels during different situations.
Practice problem solving and critical thinking skills
Don’t solve all of your learner’s problems for them. This takes away their drive and agency to be a problem-solver. Instead, include them. You might say, “oh man! We ran out of cookies! How can we make sure everyone gets some?”
Ask questions about tough moments in books or in real life “How do you think it felt when…” or “what would you do if…”
Use sentence starters
Sometimes children don’t self-advocate because they feel like they don’t have the language to get what they need. This language should be taught and practiced. You can also model it for them. The more we say these things around our children, the easier it will be for them to pick it up.
Some phrases you might model:
I feel…about this
I’m confused about…
Can you show me how to…
What are the steps I need to take?I still need…
Responsibility
In order for your child to recognize what needs to be done, what tools they need, and where they need help, they need some responsibility. Our kids are often more capable than we assume.
This includes giving your child responsibility and the opportunity to speak up when out and about! They can order for themselves, and request items they need.
Caveat: sometimes, our kids need help and a little bit of coddling. When their tank is depleted, go ahead and help them do something you know they can do (but want you to do). This helps them feel securely attached to you. Not every moment is a teaching moment.
Follow up
When your child opens up to you about needing help in school, accessing certain tools, or being confused, follow up.
Did they talk to the teacher like you discussed at breakfast? Did they go to study-hall? Did they find the extra assignment materials? A check-in goes a long way to make these skills become more automatic.
You and your child can also use these guiding questions:
Who can I ask?
What do I need?
When is a good time to ask?
Where can I find this information?
Why do I need this?
How can this tool help me?
For further reading about teaching more reserved children to self-advocate, check out this article here.
If you want to read more about how you can be a stellar learning coach and advocate for your child’s learning journey, visit this blog post.
Children can learn to self-advocate by understanding more about their own schedule, activities, and routines. Get them set up on the right foot with my free checklist printables!
This packet of checklists was created in Canva. Simply use the one that makes the most sense for
you and adjust it as necessary.
