How to Create a Calming Corner at Home
The Calming Corner is a foundational pillar of my classroom each and every year. It has been named many things - Cool Down Corner, Calming Corner, Antartica, Break Zone, among others. The central idea remained the same, though. When students need a break, they should be able to take a break. It’s NOT time-out, however. When children are dysregulated, stressed, frustrated, or angry, punishment and isolation (via time-out) do not help the situation. Maybe you’ll see some short term compliance. However, punishment and isolation do not teach emotional regulation, coping skills, or replacement behaviors.
A calming corner is a safe place for a child to go when they are out of sorts. It gives them some privacy (especially in a busy classroom or home environment) to be with their feelings, identify them, and find a tool to help regulate. In a moment of dysregulation (crying, tantruming, shutting down, excess energy, any number of things!), children do not need to be lectured to or taught a lesson. While it is hugely important to discuss the behaviors and key issues with the child, you need to do it later. When a child is having a hard time, the “upstairs brain” (thinking and decision making) and the “downstairs brain” (big feelings) are disconnected and not working together. There is no rationalizing with a dysregulated, disconnected child. They need to regulate and once you are back to baseline, THEN you can teach and repair. One of my FAVORITE books that explains this in detail is The Whole Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. Totally worth the read (and re-read).
While I’ve always had a Calming Corner in my classroom, I just recently added one to my home for my daughter. I’m truly not sure what took so long! I think any parent of a three-year-old can attest to the somewhat larger than life feelings that can embody such a small person. These are normal and even healthy. However, I do believe we need to do two things here. First, we must accept our kids’ feelings. All of them! While hitting, for example, is NOT okay, the frustration causing them to hit IS okay and is a feeling they will encounter throughout their life. Therefore, the second thing we must do is teach appropriate coping skills so that overtime, the hitting or screaming or pushing goes away, and the child can regulate via a taught coping skill (rather than bury the feeling because they think it’s not acceptable to cry or feel sad sometimes). Buried feelings are never good.
There is a reason why this is one of my first blog posts here - students need to feel safe and accepted before true learning can occur. This article does a great job discussing how both children and adults alike learn best and participate more authentically in a positive, nurturing environment.
Now I’ve taught Kindergarten, 4th, and 5th grade - both general and special education. Many times, especially when you first implement this strategy, students won’t come out and tell you with a calm and polite request that they need a break. They will show you with their behaviors, words, and body language. Children old and young need to be taught not just HOW to ask for a break, but to recognize when and why they need one. That is so so hard! Don’t expect that shift to come overnight. Over time, your goal will be to have your child “take a break” or go to their calming corner (or choose another way to regulate) BEFORE the big feelings hit (rather than during or after). It’s a slow process, but a worthwhile one. And when your child starts to reflect on their own, it’s magic!
When teaching how to use the Calming Corner:
Introduce it explicitly. In the classroom, we introduced the Calming Corner during morning meeting over the course of a week (and again and again throughout the year). We modeled how to ask for a break, how to walk over to the calming corner (yes, this needs very explicit instruction), and how to select a tool. We learned, and practiced REPEATEDLY how to select an appropriate tool, how to put it back, and how long to stay there. We practiced what to do when your friend is there, too. It’s better to leave no stone unturned here.
Practice when already calm! My daughter practiced with me a lot during the first week, whether I sent her or she “acted mad” and sent herself (it was cute and funny). In the classroom, each child practiced going to the Calming Corner throughout the week. I always had them practice first in a regulated, calm, neutral state. I asked them to go the same way I would if they were having a tough time, (usually with a non-verbal signal, or a whisper in the ear), and they would practice going without providing a distraction.
When possible, create it together! In the classroom, we created the labels for our Calming Corner as a class interactive writing lesson. At home, my daughter and I made our “Cool Down Bottle” together one afternoon. This creates emotional buy-in.
Find moments in your week to discuss feelings and coping skills. Don’t expect your child to go to a Calming Corner and be cured from emotional dysregulation. It’s not a fix, but a tool in the moment to calm down and regulate the system. No one can learn (about appropriate behavior or how to solve double digit addition) when in a dysregulated state. My favorite Instagram accounts about feelings and coping skills are @biglittlefeelings and @drbeckyatgoodinside. Check them out for SO much more on this topic!
Ideas for tools you can put in your Calming Corner:
Squishy stuffed animal (we love these Squishmallows)
Sensory or Calm Down bottle (we made these together in the classroom and used as a collective experience to write a “How-To” book about to launch that writing unit). My daughter and I made one together, too, and it was so fun. We used these directions by Preschool Inspirations.
Mirror to identify facial expressions
Fidgets - we love these poppers right now. Find what works for your child.
Books about feelings (I like to use ones we’ve read multiple times)
Coloring/drawing
Music and headphones
Calming spray (we used some lavender and water)
The ideas are truly endless. Think about your child and what would suit them best. Just pick a few - you don’t want to overwhelm anyone, that defeats the purpose of the Calming Corner.
Some other tips:
Place the Calming Corner in a safe place nearby. Try to avoid isolating your child and making them feel like they are being sent away for their big feelings. That just creates shame. Again, maybe you’ll see compliance short term but in the long run you may not find that your child will open up about tough stuff with you.
Again, this is one of my classroom “essentials.” It took me WAY too long to realize I needed a Calming Corner in my home, too. Before kids can really take on serious learning, or uninhibited play, they need to feel safe. They also need to know that their FEELINGS are safe and valid, and that when those big feelings come, they have a strategy to help develop coping skills.
If you make a Calming Corner, please share your favorite items below!
